THE TWENTY ONE MANIFESTO

It was late, just five minutes past midnight and already I felt like the most special person to be alive. I had stayed up on the phone, not expecting that from the start of this birthday I would feel the most intense amount of emotion throughout the day, that I would feel more special than I thought possible.

I arrived at the doorstep of adulthood last year with the ringing in of twenty, now at twenty one I can say that with commitment and courage I have walked in the door, and though with occasional glances outside the window at my precious childhood and tender teen years, I have entered in my house of adulthood and I am starting to settle in, this house is becoming a home.

At twenty one I am finally understanding that time will run whether you run along side it or get dragged by it. It will pass no matter if you're being positive, or miserable, if you're putting things off, if you're getting things done, if you're anxiously engaged in your life or if you're missing out on some of the greatest of moments. If you're busy being brave, or if you're too caught up in being scared. Time waits for no one. I am aware that it has been this very thought that has seen the impatient side of me in these last twenty one years, but that patience for good things has started to be something of familiarity. Patience is a virtue and patience is trying hard to be my friend if I'll let it.

Twenty one is a fresh start, a welcome mat, a new chapter in my book of life. I became very aware of two things in these last 365 days. The first is that I spent the first 6 months falling in love and I spent the last 6 months falling out of it. It happens to everyone I assume. You have to love someone oceans deep, you have to fight with all your will power to make them keep swimming to try and find the bottom, you have to take that worlds worth of water and try to let them drink it all in, and then you have to take all those feelings, drain it like bath water and get over them, you just have to.No matter how hard it is, you have to. It happens at least once I think to everyone, it must, to really understand the preciousness and delicateness of love, heartbreak, and the in between things of becoming. The second thing I realized was all of that bittersweet time would be a waste if I did not actively approach it the right way, if I did not come to terms with myself, if I did not embrace that I was broken, grieving, if I did not embrace the messy bits of growing, of changing, of moulding myself into something greater than I was before. We do all that we can, we keep going, we don't give up, then we hit our knees, and allow God to do the rest.

I've also come to terms that it's the small things, always and forever the small things. The small acts that orbit around the romance, the kind words that drip out of our mouths like sweet summertime honey, and the awareness of the possibilities. It's in the raspy way they say good morning over the phone when they've first woken up, and how they tell you how they saw a certain house today on their drive to work that reminded them of you. It will be in the way they squeeze your hand, and in the quiet moments of the evening when you're tired from the day and they are listening intently to every word you have to offer, no matter how worn out your words feel to you. It is in those simple moments that I have made the choice, maybe now, maybe later, but I will, stand in front of someone and give them all of me, every piece, every sound of laughter and every hope that I have for my future, our future. I will give, and give, and give, and give, and give, until I can give no more. I will love with a fearless, awake, and aware behavior. At twenty one I have no room for caution, anxiety, or seconding guessing my inclination, my gut feeling. There was a time I saw myself as the problem because I felt those things I just mentioned. I thought I wasn't giving love a fair chance, even just one simple date a fair chance. But I sit here, and make note that I was not problem just because someone else told me I was, and that there is such a difference in being told you're the problem and actually being the problem. Now, I understand that I will not always be right, I will make mistakes, I have faults, but I will never second guess my gut, because if the caution and anxiety come, it's probably for good reason, and I have learned to trust that.

There are things you have to do. You have to take time in bettering, in believing, in buoying yourself up, in finding out who you are, where you want to go, and who you want to be. Whether that means you discover yourself here or there, discovery happens each time we speak, we think, we act. We are composed of little fragments and details. We are constantly in the cycle of becoming, I am apart of this too. I know what I like, and I know what I don't, but to really live life with the entirety of soul, I will always give things a chance. Everything important, every piece that creates me will not be something I need to worry about being lost in the gamble of trying.

At twenty one I've started keeping the precious bits to myself, moments I want to stop and hold onto for a little while longer, I keep untainted, unseen, unpolished by opinions, by doubts, by people, because at twenty one I've finally stopped caring about what other people think and I don't care to have the nod of approval from anyone besides myself. I don't care to have my decisions dissected under a microscope.

I make sure to laugh at myself, dance in my parking lot, and sing loudly without reservations in public places - alot. I embrace the vulnerability that I once avoided like the plague.

I refuse to count calories, to weigh myself on a scale of numbers, to beat myself up for buying a gym membership and then canceling it an hour later, to feel bad for eating a slice of ice cream cake first thing in the morning. I eat well, and I eat much. I do not answer to photoshopped models on the pages of magazines, to the standard of perfection my society has placed, to the guilt from other women around me talking about their unsatisfied self worth. If I feel good in my skin then that is good enough for me.

I realize that my life is as I choose to make it. I create this life I live, no one else is going to do it for me. My life is not flawless, my life is not perfect, but with perfect timing and faith my life has turned out to be something of bright brilliance, something note worthy. To me. That is what matters at the heart of it all. Because this is nobody's story but mine. I am here, all of me in this moment, I am twenty one, I am alive, I am seeing the world with awakened eyes, I am seeing behind walls, and within rooms of the soul, I am drawing closer, I am happy.