NEWSFLASH

IF YOU'RE NOT DOING ONE THING THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE WITH YOUR ENTIRE HEART EACH DAY THEN YOU'RE DOING LIFE WRONG.

Maybe that's a little on the harsh side, but thats what I seriously feel.
Sorry, I'm trying this new thing out where I write like I talk instead of writing how I think I talk.
If I had it my way Jane Austen and I would of been pen pals back in the day, except I would still have WiFi, Instagram, and Netflix.

WOW. Talk about a tangent.

Back to being on track.

Life is seriously so good. I can't get enough of it at the moment. Today I photographed the most beautiful wedding, I mean honestly, it was the best wedding I've ever done. You know why? There wasn't a million and one people there, just a handful. It was simple. It was direct. It was, I don't know how else to describe it but pure. The joy that I felt, and that I saw between those two people was contagious.

I've been thinking about choosing happiness, and obviously that was my goal for 2013, (actively choose to be happy) and this year my goal was to live with intent, and to allow things to just be. Now, they are goals for a reason (Obviously I am no where near to perfecting them AKA they are things I struggle with)

EXCEPT.

I have never been so confident in my choices. I have never felt so connected with myself. Maybe I'm just getting older and the feelings of nostalgia today have me on a high right now, but I truly think it's because I've focused on living with intent. Asking myself the tough questions in the otherwise brushed aside cases. *Ahem, "Am I really in love with how this person treats me as a friend? Am I really being respected in this environment?" etc. I've cut out some vile things in my life.

Is this what being a minimalist is all about? If so, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

Another thing is maximizing my time on the things I've already minimized. You know like you pick the five most important things in your life, and thats what you focus on. I've noticed I'm having more enriching experiences, and heartfelt memories because I'm not rushing through one thing just to get to the next. Each day I'm engaged in at least one thing that I love.

Also. I discontinued my iPhone *gasp
No really, I canceled my phone. I actually went through withdrawals, which is, lets be real, pathetic. It's done nothing but open my eyes to see how much other people aren't really paying attention, and also, on how little I was paying attention. You think I would have gotten better after I wrote this manifesto. But I assure you after two months my twitter was back, my snapchat was back, and my addiction to constant connections via internet world were out of control.

I can't tell you how nice it is to be free of that ball and chain because now my creativity is back and running free.

Simplicity holds all the answers, complicated is out of the question.

This is my life, and I love it.

CALLED TO SERVE

Well wouldn't you know, after 12 long weeks of anticipation my mission call came in the mail the weekend that I decided to go out of town with my family. I really think God has a sense of humor, you know?
I've always struggled with patience, patience in my Heavenly Father's timing, and patience in my own progression. I didn't always want to serve a mission, that wasn't in "my plan" but time and time again God quietly, kindly, and gently reminds me that His plan for me was divinely created, is divinely created, it's perfect, and I merely need to be patient, and trust in Him, because He is patient with me and He does indeed trust me.
But all that set aside, I'm at a loss for words, which is rare. There are many feelings that I have, but extreme gratitude trumps them all. There is a beautiful peace that just bubbles up inside my soul when I think of opening that big white envelope, and becoming a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for the next 18 months of my life.
When I recently told someone I would be serving for 18 months, in a place unknown to me yet, anywhere in the world, with no vacations home, phone calls home (except on Christmas and Mothers Day), that I am not getting paid in monetary value, I will not be sleeping in, watching TV, or Instagraming - yes, even Instagram is off limits for me. I will be with people I probably will have not known previously and I could be serving in a place that requires me to learn a foreign language, I could be biking, driving, or walking, and I wasn't sure when I'd be leaving - they kind of just looked at me in shock and disbelief, like I was giving up everything. You know, in some ways I am, and I already have. But eighteen months is nothing. When I think of Christ's Atonement, when I think of His infinite love, blessings, guidance, and forgiveness, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with thinking that my eighteen months is a small sacrifice, a fraction, compared to infinity.
When I said serving a mission was never in "my plan" I truly mean that. It was never something I could see myself doing. I let fear and my self doubt rule over my potential, and I let my selfishness get in the way of selflessness. You know what? In the mix of it all, God placed person after person after person who would influence me, and change my life for the absolute best. Those friends, those fleeting acquaintances even, they were tools in His hands, to show me, to believe in me, to help me, to quietly lead lives rich in examples of exact obedience. I thank Him everyday for those people, because most of them didn't even know that they impacted my life to the magnitude that they did.
For this next bit I'm not writing to draw attention, I'm writing here because I know there are people who probably feel the way I did, and I want to leave you with something that changed my life, "You'll never regret going, but you always could regret not going"
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I never wanted to look back on this time in my life and regret passing up one of the greatest opportunities before me. I didn't want my past, my doubts, anything like that to hold me back - and unfortunately for a very long time it did. I was a slave to my past. I've been in that place, that place of unknowing, unsure if God is really listening when I'm praying. I've been that person, too proud to pray, too proud to be even honest with myself when I was seeking help and guidance. My trials saved me, my trials forced me on my knees, and those hard times, they became harder until I allowed the pressure to refine me, until I was finally able to look myself in the mirror and hand myself a tall glass of honesty to drink. I have found true happiness in the midst of those hard times, because true happiness comes from the knowledge of God's individual love for me, and it comes from recognizing our worth, our potential, and the burden lifted when we repent. Our futures are as bright as our faith and we can in fact do all things through Christ.
His love is infinite.
His love is pure.
His love is constant, and above it all, His love is perfect and patient.
I cannot think of a better thing, than to serve a mission for 18 months. It will be hard, it will test me in ways I have not been tested, but it will also require that I rely completely on my Savior. I get to teach people for 18 months that families can be together forever, that we can overcome, repent, and be forgiven of our sins because of the magnificence of the Atonement, because of the sacrifice of my Savior and Redeemer. I am merely a tool in His hands, it does not matter where I go, but who I am going for, what people I will meet, and who I will be able to share this message of hope with.
My heart is so full, and I feel so incredibly blessed.

IN GOD WE TRUST

Sending an immense amount of love to those families and friends of those fallen, on this 9/11 may we turn in remembrance, and hope.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes life is too sweet for words, and that's where I am right about now.

TRUTH TELLING

I ONCE got caught up in that terrible nonsense, the falsity that often lies as a tumultuous current as we are trying ever so hard to keep moving upstream with our passions, our careers, our livelihood, our relationships, anything that we love more than ourselves,
I was caught up in the snare of "not good enough"

Let me explain.

(Que transitions)

Growing up in a small town where anyone who applies themselves, even a little, is seen as someone with talent. Now you mix that with hard work, passion, dedication, and you've got someone that everyone starts, well I hate to say it, but worshiping. What I hate even more is that I led myself to believe that I was one of the best at what I did - because that's how everyone else saw me, so why not believe it? Being 17 and hearing that you are destined for Broadway or that your artwork will be hung in the MOA, and your name will be in lights. How could I really keep myself and my ego grounded?

For the record, I believe that encouragement is wonderful and needed, but true encouragement, honest encouragement. I know that I am capable of greatness, but that is not the same as being destined for it.

I have always been a creative, we'll use that for the time being. Whether it was in music, or drawing, or painting, or singing, or poetry, or just living, I have always found myself drawn to making my entire life a work of art, nothing spared. As I graduated I was expecting the same scenario to play out in college as it did in high school, i.e. people would discover my creative work and I would be on the fast track to success. But instead, I found myself in a college that had the same small pond syndrome that I had comfortably accepted back home, but that I now was drowning in because of the lack of challenge.

College was good - but I felt like I could do better without the restraint of learning how to shade circles all over again. I had ideas, I knew how to execute them, I just needed someone to supply me with critiquing here and there, with the occasional direction and suggestion. Well obviously, that is not how it works.

I was surrounded by students who didn't care if they never saw Pollock up close, and I had found myself weeping over "Lavender Mist" when I had gone to the Met at the age of 14. I called up my mother crying in my second semester, telling her that I lost myself, and I didn't fit here, this wasn't what I was looking for, I wasn't being challenged, and my artistic muscles were not getting stretched or strengthened. I flew home the next weekend, having feelings of "not good enough" and struggling with loosing my creative in the hurricane of it all. I had been on a roller coaster that had only gone up since I picked up my first paint brush and I didn't understand how I could so easily been thrown off, with no notice, no warning, it just happened. I was scrambling, trying at any cost, running, searching, and even trying to bribe it to come back, even though I had selfishly taken the time it had spent with me for granted with little or no gratitude involved.

(Now que entering the blog world)

Back in New York, solitude is where I found myself.  I began writing profusely, it was the only thing that had remained constant throughout elementary, middle, high school, college, and now just being on my own. Writing has always been my glorious outlet, and in a time where I felt like limbo had trapped me, I needed a place to get out of that rabbit hole. That outlet became my best friend as it gave me courage, hope, and the conquering force and focus to move 2000 miles away from home again to start over once more.

The craziest and scariest thing can be having something, like your career going so well, taking off better than you thought you could expect. In 2011, I launched my own company, slightly as a joke, but with ambition I was certain I could make something good come out of it. I branded, I stayed up at all hours, mixing and recreating formulas for my frankinstein of a project. I had no idea what I was doing, I never had taken any classes, this was all completely new to me. But it worked, and I worked even harder. I became obsessed with travel again and I saw myself reentering that stage of, "am I really good enough, or is my success just a phase?" I longed for New York City, I longed for challenge, but mostly I longed for the opportunities to prove that I really was good at what I was doing. I longed for endless weekends working on design and photography, traveling to various parts of the country, documenting, and even to the point where I began looking at moving to Europe as a way to really get my adrenaline in gear.

(Now que ex boyfriend)

Sadly and magnificently all of that came to halt when I really put my desires on hold, because I was chasing after my new dream. The sad thing was I got it wrong, people should not become your dream nor your happiness, people should only be elements that share in those beautiful things, and elements that can also create with you new dreams, and enjoy in shared happiness, but not become them entirely. I felt guilt for wanting to apply for colleges not in the same state as him. I began rejecting shoots for more possible time spent, and I wrote off the idea of Europe all together. He never in exact words said, "Bre'an, please, put your life on hold for me" He did express however that he felt that my work was the most important thing in my life, and he didn't know if he could do that. That led to incidents where I felt like I had to prove that my work was not as important as he was to me.  It was almost like I had to tell myself that my work wasn't worth loosing someone over, my work didn't matter to me that much, what a lie that was. I loved my work, I always have, I always will. I love my work at the same level that I love myself, and that I loved him. Having to seemingly pick and choose only one of those things, I went crazy. I hated where I was, I began fighting with personal depression and self depreciation. I wasn't happy because I was stagnant in my own personal creative process. I was suffocating. I had stopped writing because I had stopped feeling that moving force of inspiration because I wasn't even allowing it to speak to me. I turned my back on it.

In that instance, my work was "not good enough" for me to love it honestly. And thank goodness my heart broke, and thank goodness it broke in the hardest yet realist of ways. With each crack from the shattered pieces of that relationship, light flooded in. That heartbreak showed me that people who you never thought could disappoint you, do, but the thing that stings the most is disappointing yourself, and holding someone else other than yourself accountable for your own personal happiness is reckless and relentlessly destructive.

(Now que the present)

Once again I have found myself in New York, here I am, here embracing solitude. And the more I learn to love the time I get to reflect, the more I have these remarkable, yet simple confirmations of myself all over again, that I am doing the thing I was made to do - create. I am an artist of my own very life and this is what gives me the highest feeling of success; recognizing what I was made for and pursuing it without hesitation. Solitude is what allows the creative genius speak to us softly, we are ready and willing to listen. The more I show that I am ready to create, and that I am giving that inspiration my full attention, the more I fall in love with it, and the more it begins to trust me, the more I trust myself. The more motivation I feel to really pushing myself, to create that life, to create the words, and to create my masterpiece, whatever it may be. Being alone has given me strength, and has also tested my strength. For some isolation is described as a recharging of batteries, for me it is the sweet reawakening of perception. I'm learning how to really select my thoughts and have a sense of self mastery. I've had to learn to cultivate a relationship with myself as much as I would with any other human being. For the first time I'm reaching out a lending hand to myself, I am surrendering my pride to humility, and I am in reverence, sacredly discovering what I am meant for and what it is that I can be capable of. As I keep nurturing this part of my life, I begin to see that my work is indeed good enough and I'm enriched in the simple pleasures of just being, just being alive in this moment, and having the that moving force of inspiration back - appreciated and honored as it should be.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE

Because somedays are harder than others, because somedays seem to just go better than perfect,
because somedays we conquer the giants placed before us fearlessly,
because somedays it feels like those giants are taking over our lives.
because somedays we have low points, and because somedays we have high points.
because somedays we lose a loved one, because somedays we find a lost soul.
we are all children of God, all striving to live life, and be happy.
and because of that the answer lies within our own sweet knowledge of that six word sentence,
"I am a child of God"

As I've searched and started really doing some inner cleaning, which isn't always easy.
you know when you sit yourself down and say, "okay, it's time to be honest with yourself"
"okay, it's time you stop that bad habit"
"okay, it's time to let that part of your life go, you need to move on"

I kind of made a list of things I needed to be better at, improve on, etc.
Recently I've been really focusing on my relationship with Christ, and I realized that in points of my life where I stood with a smile and I felt true joy, in (almost) every situation were during the times that I felt closest to Him and my Heavenly Father. These relationships give us courage and bravery, we know that we can overcome anything with God on our side.

But on top of courage and bravery, our hearts are filled with gratitude and humility.

Now I've been in situations that have been less than ideal, things I would never wish on anyone. Really, I'm not even exaggerating, and I know when I've told people that they laugh and go, "oh but your life is so put together" and I'm here to tell you that no ones life is perfect. We live in an age where everything we output is what everyone else inputs. No one is going to post a photo on instagram of their argument with their sibling, or the incident where a person was belittling you, or even the time where they came home crying from a terrible date. I'm here to tell you that everyone has their flaws, temptations, struggles, and hard times. It is not our job to find out what they are, or to draw focus to others stumbling blocks. It is our job however to lift them up.

That is what this gospel is all about, to help one another, but ultimately to continually becoming better. Not to excuse our faults, but to work on having them become strengths.

It seems to me that our individual worth plays a huge role in our actions, reactions, and mindsets. I know who I am, because I know whose I am. As I've really been on this journey of recommitting myself to the gospel, and giving it 150 percent, I've noticed that my communication with the Savior is not just in morning and evening prayer, but it is constant. I just talk to Him, and He listens, and then to show that He is listening, I see tender mercies happen that testify He is aware of me, and is mindful of my needs.

Life is not perfect.

No matter how hard we try, it will never be the ideal "perfect", but as our gratitude grows for what we have, and we stop focusing on what we want, we see that we have more than we could ever need.
God loves, and God knows. As we act on our faith, as we seek out what we need to do, Christ will give us the strength and the bravery to stand firm. With God, nothing is impossible.

Whether we need to speak kinder words,
whether we need to re-evaluate our definition of "dressing modestly"
whether we need to quit a bad habit,
whether we need to be a better friend,
whether we need to let go of negative feelings,
whether we need to have the courage to go through a big decision,
whether we are going through one of the most painful times in our lives,

We can do all things through Christ, His strength and love are infinite and His arms are outstretched.
You can overcome, you can grow, you can be the person that you are destined to be.

OH, IT'S JULY?

THIS year is just whizzing by me. And my lack of writing is really repulsive, or really religious to my new theory. I've tried the last week to be less disconnected to my phone, and technology in general. I mean I think blogging is wonderful, but I'd hate to sacrifice real moments for internet ones if you catch my drift. To be controlled by the internet, to be so attached and connected to our little squares of metals and wires, that my friends is not the way I want to live. I guess if I had to sit down and watch a movie of my life I would hate to see myself staring at a screen for the majority of the day, I would hate to say I missed weeding in the garden with my mom because I was too busy going over my final draft. I would hate to say that I walked away from playing a board game Sunday night with my family because I was too busy editing my own personal photos. That I missed out on hearty laughter, giggles, and memories that I would never ever want something as mechanical as metal to replace. We need to be more actively engaged in our lives and really know the people around us. I think the internet can be a sad place sometimes too, with a whole group of people trying to be somethings they're not, or trying too hard to be accepted, or just not being very uplifting (that has been the case on my Facebook newsfeed, so either I need new friends or I need to just delete it). I guess really the theory I've been taking so far is I'd rather write with a pen on that smudged paper in my journal, that tangible leather book for my someday littles, and their future littles, to gather and to read rather than having them scroll through my memories in Georgia 12 point. I'm going to try and write, creativity and passionately in all the poems and words entangled in my heart, but when it feels right. Not scheduled. Not demanded. Not timed. But perfectly where the words flow and I have the quiet of the evening to myself, like tonight.

I'm really backing away from my focal point of "this is my brand" and I'm redirecting it with, 
"this is my life, these are my stories, this is my good and wholesome soul."

So please know that I am not abandoning you,

Please know that I still love to write,

Please know that sometimes I will talk about the present, and sometimes I will just ramble,

Please know, I might give you all the details and maybe I will only talk generalities.

Please know that other things are just more important than the internet, and I think that is how it supposed to be.

SUMMER SOUNDS ∆ MUSIC PLAYLIST

IT'S BEEN FOREVER since I've lasted posted anything on here. Let me give you the condensed version of things: I drove across America, from Utah to Georgia, then I flew to New York for some family matters, and hours before I caught my plane back Utah, I made the hard, yet right, decision to stay. (More details of it all will be in post shortly, I promise, I won't leave you hanging for long) But, enough of all that.
Driving all the way from one side of the country to the other + having lots of single life solitude time here has led me to have a reoccurring romance with my first love, music. And what a beautiful rebound it is. This mixtape is a little more, oh whats the word, curated. Soak it all in. Here's just a taste of my summer sounds.

+  H I G H // young rising sons
+ A F T E R L I F E // arcade fire
+ N E V E R  G O I N G  H O M E // phantogram
+ S O T H I S I S G O O D B Y E ( P I N K G A N T E R R E M I X ) // william fitzsimmons
+ D A Y S A R E G O N E // haim
+ L I F E S U P P O R T // sam smith
+ I < 3 U S O // cassius
+ W A L K I N G O N A D R E A M // empire of the sun
+ G E N E S I S // grimes
+ N O D I G G I T Y // chet faker
+ Y O U & M E ( F L U M E R E M I X ) // disclosure, eliza doolittle
+ B R I D G E S // broods
+ G A R D E N G R A Y S // wildcat! wildcat!
+ B R O O K L Y N B A B Y  // lana del rey
+ F E E D M E D I A M O N D S // mndr
+ A L L E Y E S O N Y O U // st. lucia
+ L A L A L A // naughty boy, sam smith


be sure to subscribe to my SPOTIFY to listen to the full playlist instantly + stay up to date with new tracks 

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

*SPOILER ALERT: just like that the book ends. Which appropriately made me realize how in life a lot things are such. where they just are. they just happen. and in the hurricane of emotion we never can really see the eye of the storm of whatever is becoming until it passes, until it ends. and you will agree with me if you have indeed read the book. 

( OKAY YOU'VE PAST THE SPOILER ALERT, IT'S SAFE TO READ NOW, EXCEPT CHANCES ARE YOU MIGHT NOT REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, BUT THERE ARE ALSO CHANCES THAT YOU MIGHT) 

Once upon a time I loved to read books, I devoured them like a four course meal finishing with gelato which is my absolute favorite. And in the midst of the storm I needed something anchoring me down to someone else's reality to get away from mine, something that would act as a lighthouse, or more like a distraction, for my feelings, so I picked up this book. The history of the book and my relationship goes a little something like this: This book caught my eye in it's brightly blue cover, and handwritten title as I scanned for something to keep me company on this flight. It was my last trip home, in November, but I was too immersed in technology like I usually am and I never could talk myself into giving it a fair chance. My time was obviously spent elsewhere and I only read about three pages before I set it down and became too consumed with my own life to care about those three pages ever again. The day I turned 21, I vowed that I would educate my being with the love of literature and all things of self timed eloquence again because of someone who made a particular comment that struck something inside of me. (As I made note in the previous post, too precious at the moment to be shared with anyone except who immediately shared in it.) I found this book on top of a mountain of books, and I slipped into my own infinity.

Our lives are as romantic as we make them out to be, in our own little worlds and universes. I think of time and how time really is our best friend and our worst enemy all wrapped up into one. We have no say over her and yet she continues to run out of reach even if we so dare as to get on our hands and knees and plea and beg and protest for her to slow down, to let us catch up, to give us just more of her even though we know we will never quite have control over her. And time and time again she will never give us what we want but always what we need. We are given our hopes, our dreams, and our purest desires as long as they comply with time and her beckoning. I'm not really sure why I have this obsession of time. Not so much the clock, as so much the idea of our tiny fragmented moments that we pile together to create our lives, to create our personal infinities. I guarantee that my obsession of time then spills over to why I love photographs so much, because for a brief moment I am holding onto a tiny fragment of a moment.

I often wonder how many of us have that appetite for words and the hunger to feel so wrapped up into someone elses infinity, to get that glimpse, to see that constellation that really should only be seen by the person creating it. That's how I feel. Those words were meant for me, they embellished and embodied my love for words, and lives. There are stories that we all have to tell no matter how heroic, sad, real, nostalgic, and seemingly unimportant they can be to the person living that life.

THE TWENTY ONE MANIFESTO

It was late, just five minutes past midnight and already I felt like the most special person to be alive. I had stayed up on the phone, not expecting that from the start of this birthday I would feel the most intense amount of emotion throughout the day, that I would feel more special than I thought possible.

I arrived at the doorstep of adulthood last year with the ringing in of twenty, now at twenty one I can say that with commitment and courage I have walked in the door, and though with occasional glances outside the window at my precious childhood and tender teen years, I have entered in my house of adulthood and I am starting to settle in, this house is becoming a home.

At twenty one I am finally understanding that time will run whether you run along side it or get dragged by it. It will pass no matter if you're being positive, or miserable, if you're putting things off, if you're getting things done, if you're anxiously engaged in your life or if you're missing out on some of the greatest of moments. If you're busy being brave, or if you're too caught up in being scared. Time waits for no one. I am aware that it has been this very thought that has seen the impatient side of me in these last twenty one years, but that patience for good things has started to be something of familiarity. Patience is a virtue and patience is trying hard to be my friend if I'll let it.

Twenty one is a fresh start, a welcome mat, a new chapter in my book of life. I became very aware of two things in these last 365 days. The first is that I spent the first 6 months falling in love and I spent the last 6 months falling out of it. It happens to everyone I assume. You have to love someone oceans deep, you have to fight with all your will power to make them keep swimming to try and find the bottom, you have to take that worlds worth of water and try to let them drink it all in, and then you have to take all those feelings, drain it like bath water and get over them, you just have to.No matter how hard it is, you have to. It happens at least once I think to everyone, it must, to really understand the preciousness and delicateness of love, heartbreak, and the in between things of becoming. The second thing I realized was all of that bittersweet time would be a waste if I did not actively approach it the right way, if I did not come to terms with myself, if I did not embrace that I was broken, grieving, if I did not embrace the messy bits of growing, of changing, of moulding myself into something greater than I was before. We do all that we can, we keep going, we don't give up, then we hit our knees, and allow God to do the rest.

I've also come to terms that it's the small things, always and forever the small things. The small acts that orbit around the romance, the kind words that drip out of our mouths like sweet summertime honey, and the awareness of the possibilities. It's in the raspy way they say good morning over the phone when they've first woken up, and how they tell you how they saw a certain house today on their drive to work that reminded them of you. It will be in the way they squeeze your hand, and in the quiet moments of the evening when you're tired from the day and they are listening intently to every word you have to offer, no matter how worn out your words feel to you. It is in those simple moments that I have made the choice, maybe now, maybe later, but I will, stand in front of someone and give them all of me, every piece, every sound of laughter and every hope that I have for my future, our future. I will give, and give, and give, and give, and give, until I can give no more. I will love with a fearless, awake, and aware behavior. At twenty one I have no room for caution, anxiety, or seconding guessing my inclination, my gut feeling. There was a time I saw myself as the problem because I felt those things I just mentioned. I thought I wasn't giving love a fair chance, even just one simple date a fair chance. But I sit here, and make note that I was not problem just because someone else told me I was, and that there is such a difference in being told you're the problem and actually being the problem. Now, I understand that I will not always be right, I will make mistakes, I have faults, but I will never second guess my gut, because if the caution and anxiety come, it's probably for good reason, and I have learned to trust that.

There are things you have to do. You have to take time in bettering, in believing, in buoying yourself up, in finding out who you are, where you want to go, and who you want to be. Whether that means you discover yourself here or there, discovery happens each time we speak, we think, we act. We are composed of little fragments and details. We are constantly in the cycle of becoming, I am apart of this too. I know what I like, and I know what I don't, but to really live life with the entirety of soul, I will always give things a chance. Everything important, every piece that creates me will not be something I need to worry about being lost in the gamble of trying.

At twenty one I've started keeping the precious bits to myself, moments I want to stop and hold onto for a little while longer, I keep untainted, unseen, unpolished by opinions, by doubts, by people, because at twenty one I've finally stopped caring about what other people think and I don't care to have the nod of approval from anyone besides myself. I don't care to have my decisions dissected under a microscope.

I make sure to laugh at myself, dance in my parking lot, and sing loudly without reservations in public places - alot. I embrace the vulnerability that I once avoided like the plague.

I refuse to count calories, to weigh myself on a scale of numbers, to beat myself up for buying a gym membership and then canceling it an hour later, to feel bad for eating a slice of ice cream cake first thing in the morning. I eat well, and I eat much. I do not answer to photoshopped models on the pages of magazines, to the standard of perfection my society has placed, to the guilt from other women around me talking about their unsatisfied self worth. If I feel good in my skin then that is good enough for me.

I realize that my life is as I choose to make it. I create this life I live, no one else is going to do it for me. My life is not flawless, my life is not perfect, but with perfect timing and faith my life has turned out to be something of bright brilliance, something note worthy. To me. That is what matters at the heart of it all. Because this is nobody's story but mine. I am here, all of me in this moment, I am twenty one, I am alive, I am seeing the world with awakened eyes, I am seeing behind walls, and within rooms of the soul, I am drawing closer, I am happy.