BREAKUPS / THE RAW, THE REAL, THE UNEXPECTED

2:30 am,
Re-typing, re-typing, re-typing, re-typing,
backspacing, second guessing, not knowing exactly what to say as I know that what I'm writing is the ending to one chapter, and the beginning of another.

The end of this, The end of my first year blogging, The end of a relationship.

"Is this even possible? Is this even real?"

A phrase I found myself trying so hard to bravely say, without allowing my tears to blur my better judgement, the truth, which was yes. This is over.

We've all been there, some more than others, and I found myself sitting in the front row of my life, feeling every emotion absolutely possible. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I sank.

We have all seen the cases first hand. I personally had seen roommates, close friends, ready to jump onto that train of commitment, the biggest blessing, making the choice to love someone. I had seen that love disappear, I watched it fade for other people, I had watched it fade for me, time and time again. I saw that sometimes I would hop on that 5 o'clock train, expecting a certain track, a track I thought would be best for me, when really I was on course for Philly, when I should of been on a course for Manhattan. Does that make sense? Honestly I don't care if it does, because it makes sense to me.
We all go through breakup's, it's just part of life. You can't help but feel helpless, you can't help but try to find that careful balance of independence and all the while wanting someone to take care of you, or even just look out for you, or even just simply knowing that someone loves you in a way you didn't think anyone else was capable of doing.

You can't help but let out a deep breath and wonder why.
Why wasn't this love mine to have?  Why wasn't this love mine to keep?
Why is it okay for it to be ripped out of my clinging hands?
Hadn't I worked for this? Hadn't I given this 100 percent? Hadn't I deserved this?
Why can't I stay on this track?

Love is ours to give. Love is choice.
But sometimes God, despite our wants, has other plans.
We don't "deserve" anything. Everything is given to us, as a precious blessing.
We don't get a say in how long we get to cherish that blessing, we just get the miraculous gift to appreciate it while we can. Our track is ultimately decided by the conductor.

I wrote about vulnerability here, ironically only a few weeks after I met the man to make me the most vulnerable I've ever been, a man who took me by surprise.
Because that's the best kind of love, isn't it?
The kind that sneaks up on you,
the kind you never saw coming,
the kind that makes you laugh,
the kind that becomes your best friend,
the kind that you never want to leave,
the kind you never thought you'd hear yourself say that you loved.
the kind that brings out the best in you,
the kind you didn't even know could exists.

So much has changed,

I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be real. I'm going to be raw.
These are honest words, words I'm not sure how to quite say.
I'm not giving every detail, because that's not important, just the silhouette of the situation.

I sat in his car.
Trying to keep my head held high,
trying not to crumble under those words I refused to believe were coming from his concerned mouth.
Now, I tried to hold it in, I tried to swallow all those feelings whole, I tried being the tough guy.
The tough guy, with eyes clamped shut, failing at being unaffected by what I didn't want to face.
For the first time, I had someone telling me that they still loved me, but the answer was no.
For the first time in a relationship, I didn't prepare myself for the end.

Why would I?

Now I can sit here, and hide all those emotions. Or I can be as darn real as I choose to be.
For me to grieve, I'll say it was mutual because I respect him, I respect the break up, and I do not wish to point fingers, or to degrade his love.
Crazy to say but I know it was done out of love, and out of the concern for what was best for us.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling.
I'd also being lying if I said there was hard feelings - because theres not.
No anger, no disappointment, no bitterness.
I love him, unconditionally & truly, more than ever weirdly enough.
No matter if that means I only get to love him as a friend, as long as I get the chance to still love him.

I know him well enough, he knows me well enough to know,
to know, to know so well, that we'll cling and tighten our grips to that sliver of hope.
no matter how small and fragile it might be.

Other things happened tonight, that caused laughs, and happy moments, but those are our moments.
Moments I want to keep just for us. Moments sacred to me.

The truth?

I don't know what's going to happen.
I don't have all the answers.
But I do know, whatever happens, I will have grown, this will pass, I will find a home for my love to find harbour in, whether that be in his heart, or someone else's as hard as that is to say.
Because God love us, He loves me & this is putting me on my right track, and I must keep trusting.

This was unexpected,
but it was the best thing - as tough as those small six simple words are to swallow.